Wet dream

I want...
a warm shower. No, a bubble bath. And to be able to wash my hair. And a real bed. And some clean socks. And a protein source other than cheese.

Frenchies

While it’s lovely to dig in France and participate in a French excavation and spend the day talking about archaeology in French, some of the Frenchies and their mannerisms are getting on my nerves. There is one guy in particular that I find especially annoying. He is unfriendly and makes snide comments and never misses an opportunity to say something negative about America (although he has an iPod and drinks Coke and wears Nike’s). I’ve also found that there isn’t a whole lot of communication in my direction, but I’m supposed to pick up on stuff anyway. I find that with my family in France sometimes too – they don’t say anything but you’re just supposed to ‘get stuff’ and I don’t, either because I’m dense but probably because I’m American. Maybe Americans are just used to more direct communication. Some of the discussions we get into about paleoanthropology or archaeology kind of annoy me too – people get very rhetorical and philosophical and seem to look down on me when I talk about real evidence to back up a point. And they smoke and are smelly :(

The only really funny guy here who I had a good time talking with was Argentinean and left yesterday :( But the director of the dig, Francesco, is Italian and just got back from a conference today, so he will mitigate some of the Frenchiness until the excavation is over.

“I’m one stomach flu away from my perfect weight”

The women in The Devil Wears Prada would be jealous because I don’t think I’ve ever lost so much weight in so little time. On my second day here I caught a nasty stomach virus that wiped me out for two days. I spent an entire day and a half sleeping in bed, and another half day washing artifacts and bones at the lab because I wasn’t up for going back to the excavation. Luckily, tomorrow is our day off. What’s hilarious about this is that I’ve never caught anything in Kenya, Ethiopia, or South Africa, but I come to Bordeaux to excavate and get an intestinal virus that knocks me out for two days. Personally, I think that I was so strung out before leaving DC that my body rebelled in a major way as soon as it could get some down time.

I'm off!!!

Today I'm leaving DC for my three-month whirlwind adventure in Europe and Africa. My itinerary:

Aug 23-Aug 31: Upper Paleolithic excavation with a French team at Angouleme, a town near Bordeaux
Sept 1-20: Vacation in Dambach-la-ville! Will see mom, chill out, and my cousin Joelle is getting married on Sept 9
Sept 20-25: Visit the Museum fuer Naturkunde in Berlin to study fossils (hopefully - am still trying to get this sorted out)
Sept 26-30: London to work at the Natural History Museum to study fossils
Oct 1-5: Johannesburg (University of the Witswatersrand) to study fossils
Oct 6-20: Bloemfontein/Florisbad to study fossils
Oct 21-Nov 21: Middle Stone Age excavation at Mossel Bay (where I was last year)
Nov 22: Return to DC, but will be MIA until Dec 1, when I defend my dissertation proposal

Being an anthropologist is feeling really good right now!!!

False Alarm

DISCLAIMER: Men - this is a pretty graphic post regarding the going-ons of a gynocological visit. If you don't want the details then know that everything is fine and stop reading here.

For those of you less faint at heart...I went to the gyn's office today for my test, and everything is fine. She talked to me more about the virus and said that the pap smear had shown that I had some abnormal cells (meaning the nuclear DNA was different than normal cells), and when the DNA was tested it showed that I had one of the strains of HPV that can lead to cervical cancer. The colposcopy today involved sticking a microscope up there to take a look at my cervix to determine if I had areas with clusters of pre-cancerous cells (they pour in an acidic solution like vinegar that turns all of the abnormal cells blue so that they are visible). Well, after poking around with the microscope for a good five minutes the gyn found nothing. Zip. Nada. So while I have some cells with abnormal nuclear DNA, they have not turned into pre-cancerous cells in my cervix. I have to go back in for another pap smear in six months to make sure that nothing has changed and monitor this for the next couple years.

So while I definitely have HPV, as of now it is a strain that has not caused any cells to become pre-cancerous, and chances are that my body will rid itself of the strain in a year or so, and I will be disease-free.

I will definately be getting the vaccine against HPV when I get back from my trip. It is called Gardasil and involves three shots over 6 months. It actually only protects you against 4 strains of HPV (there are close to 70 strains in all) BUT these four cause 70% of cervical cancer cases and 90% of genital warts. The vaccine is not yet available for men...it is currently undergoing tests and should be out in about a year.

For those of you who are sexually active (and for those of you with sexually active daughters), I would urge you to look into the vaccine...and make sure to keep up with your annual gyn visits!!!

Friendship

I've been feeling a bit down lately, partly because of everything that's been going on, as well as the stress of wrapping things up in DC and getting ready for my three-month trip. This means that I've been pretty low-energy, sleeping a lot, not socializing or reaching out to friends, and some days just having a hard time putting on clothes and getting out of my apartment.

I also haven't done yoga in ages. No motivation and/or desire :(

Anyway, tonight two VIPs (very important parties) were going on, one a good-bye party for some dear friends and another a b-day celebration for a dear friend as well. I threw on a dress, put some Madonna in the CD player, got into party mode and set out to party-hop. The good-bye party mostly consisted of my SWW girls and some other good friends in DC. Although our SWW book club/cocktail/dinner nights have fallen apart lately, the bonds between us are still there and going strong. I got a chance to spend time with one of my best friends in DC, catch up with a newer friend, and re-connect from the heart with someone I'd lost touch with lately. The b-day party was a little louder and wilder with many eclectic characters I hadn't met before, and though I didn't stay long, I felt enveloped by the love and support from my two best boys.

I've been tired of getting hurt and feeling so emotional lately. I know that I'm super-sensitive and an emotionally naked person, which is why I tend to get hurt, but lately I've been wondering if it's wiser to be more guarded about who I let in. Is this something that comes with age and experience, I've been wondering, that after getting burned so many times you start to hold people at a distance because you know better. However, connecting with my friends tonight, however brief some of those encounters were, touched my soul. Some people may close up because they don't want to re-experience what might have been emotionally difficult feelings. But for me, being open, and all of the feelings that come with that, is what makes life worth living.

HPV 101

There is an 80% infection history among the sexually active population.

A history of infection with one or more high-risk HPV types is believed to be a prerequisite for the development of cervical cancer; according to the American Cancer Society, women with no history of the virus do not develop this type of cancer. However, most HPV infections are cleared rapidly by the immune system and do not progress to cervical cancer. Because the process of transforming normal cervical cells into cancerous ones is slow, cancer occurs in people who have been infected with HPV for a long time, usually over a decade or more (Greenblatt, 2005; Sinal and Woods, 2005).

Although it has been proposed that HPV may induce other forms of cancer, including breast cancer, colorectal cancer and non-melanoma skin cancer, a causal relationship between HPV infection and these cancer types has not yet been firmly established.

Condoms offer at most a limited degree of protection against the initial transmission of HPV infections (Holmes 2004).

(From Wikipedia...not the most reliable source, I know, but I like it. Whatever.)

Prevention:
1. Ladies, get a yearly pap smear! Men can also get one to check for anal cancer.
2. There is a vaccine for christ's sake! "On June 8th, 2006, the FDA approved Gardasil, a prophylactic HPV vaccine developed by Merck. The vaccine protects women against initial infection with HPV types 16 and 18, which together cause 70 percent of cervical cancers. The vaccine also protects against HPV types 6 and 11, which cause 90 percent of genital warts. Women aged nine through twenty-six can be vaccinated."
3. "Ongoing research has suggested that several inexpensive chemicals might serve to block HPV transmission if applied to the genitals prior to sexual contact (Howett 2005). These candidate agents, which are known as topical microbicides, are currently undergoing clinical efficacy testing. A recent study indicates that some sexual lubricant brands that use a gelling agent called carrageenan can inhibit papillomavirus infection in vitro (Buck 2006). Clinical trials are needed to determine whether carrageenan-based sexual lubricant gels are effective for blocking the sexual transmission of HPVs in vivo."
4. Avoid smoking - "Tobacco smoking increases the risk of developing of invasive cervical cancer, as well as other HPV-induced cancers. Smoking decreases the ablility to absorb folic acid, and taking folic acid is a respected way of treating cervical dysplasia, an extremely common symptom of HPV."

Finally, one last tip...
"The fact that prostitutes have much higher rates of cervical cancer than nuns was a key early observation leading researchers to speculate about a causal link between sexually-transmitted HPVs and cervical cancer (zur Hausen 1994)."
Uh, okay. I'll head back to the convent now.

HPV

I am now a statistic.

On my way to NG today I received a phone call from my gyn's office to schedule a 'colposcopy.' At first I thought the nurse said 'colonoscopy' and that she had telephoned the wrong person. But it turns out that my last pap smear (which was done in July) tested positive for HPV, or human papillomavirus. This is an STD.

I was stunned. I am always extremely careful to use protection and could not believe that I had contracted something. Additionally, not only do I have a STD, but I tested positive for the 'high-risk' strain of HPV that can lead to cervical cancer. The test on Monday is to take a biopsy of the infected cells in my cervix to see if they are pre-cancerous.

So not only am I dealing with a) the fact that I now have an STD and b) that it might be pre-cancerous, but on Tuesday I am leaving the country for three months. The nurse said that if the test comes back positive, the virus is very slow-progressing and that waiting a couple of months will not be a big deal (if the test comes back positive, I'll need to have a minor surgical procedure where they will take out the cancerous cells from my cervix/uterus/wherever they hide).

I'm not too worried about the possibility of cancer for some reason. I talked with a wonderful friend today who has been through this experience and am feeling ok, at least less upset than I was this afternoon. But I am still stunned that I have contracted an STD despite all of the precautions that I take. HPV can be spread simply by contact, so using a condom is ineffective. Additionally, men are 'carriers' and do not show symptoms of the disease, nor can they even be tested for it. So the only way for a guy to know if he has it is if his partner becomes infected. But what is upsetting for me is that short of not being intimate with anyone, there is no way to protect yourself.

I don't know a lot yet about HPV...but will be looking into it more tonight and sharing what I find.

Capital-T Truth

As my mentor and teacher Pegasus recently wrote to me,
"The interesting thing for me is to find the balance - or perhaps to see the thin (but infinitely deep) line between not taking it personally and hearing what is said, even when it may not be totally accurate."

When it comes to interpersonal relationships of all kinds - romantic, platonic, family, friends, co-workers - the hardest thing during a disagreement is to see where each person is coming from, and accept that that you may be approaching a common situation from wildly different angles, instead of pointing fingers or assigning blame. When two people care about each other enough to try and resolve a disagreement, it seems inevitable to try and reach a consensus of the "Truth" of what happened in a situation. But is agreeing on the capital-T Truth the goal of resolving these conflicts? What about acknowledging that each person has their own Truth that may not agree with yours? Who is to say which Truth is better or correct or more accurate? Or that the point of resolving a conflict is to agree on the Truth? Maybe resolving a conflict comes down to realizing that the other person has their own Truth, which may or may not coincide with yours, and to use this acceptance and understanding and knowledge to base your actions on and to move forward.

Boundaries

"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, that's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. If you're willing to throw caution to the wind and take a chance, the view from the other side... is spectacular."
-Grey's Anatomy

Lately I've become taken with the show Grey's Anatomy. Partly it's equating the sense of urgency and madness and stress that the interns feel at the hospital with life as a graduate student (though the people I'm looking at are long dead); loving and loathing and unconditionally supporting your cohort of friends; feeling the need to prove yourself professionally when it feels like your personal life is a mess; or maybe it's the Dr. McDreamy that everyone has in their lives, someone whom you love and who loves you back but for whatever reasons, you can't be with.

But I digress.

Over the weekend I had a disagreement with a romantic partner that was intense and emotional and confusing and draining. It became clear that while he is a good, good person, we see our relationship differently and can't provide what the other person wants. After laying all my emotions on the table, which I have a tendency to do (and only recently have been able to see as courageous - thank you Peg :), I had nothing left. I was exhausted, drained, and numb. I put up what I thought was a healthy boundary (ie, I don't want this anymore, this isn't working out, I want you to leave right now so that I can start healing) and was labeled as being 'spiteful'.

When do boundaries become about protecting yourself at the expense of others? In yoga we talk about meeting our 'edge', the point at which you feel uncomfortable, and staying at your edge and being ok with the discomfort. It's only by confronting our edges that we are able to grow. Is putting up boundaries an act of self-preservation where you deny yourself the opportunity to step up to your edge and look it in the eye? How much consideration should you make of others when you are erecting boundaries you feel you need to protect yourself? What would Mother Theresa do?

Oh, that's right...she didn't get involved with men.

Teacher learns a lesson

Today was my last day of teaching a summer session college course - yea! I've enjoyed it but it's been a ton of work. I'll miss the students (they were really a great group) but I'm glad to have more of my time back.

I saw my class evaluations at the end of the day and was surprised that some were pretty negative. Two I was expecting from some disgruntled students - one who is a senior majoring in cultural anth but had a hard time getting excited about my class. She did pretty poorly on her quizzes and assignments, and on her evaluation said that the class was like a 7th grade science class where I had the students memorize lots of useless information and that my lectures were boring. Another student put in the minimum amount of effort into his assignments, and when I graded him accordingly he accused me one day after class of grading arbitrarily, even though I had provided the students with a grading rubric on the first day of class. On his eval he said that I graded unfairly and that he never knew what grade he was going to get on his assignments because I wasn't consistent in my grading.

A few negative reviews that I wasn't expecting came from students who seemed to like me a lot and who I bent over backwards to help (after teaching these kids for six weeks, I've learned to recognize their handwriting, and some of them I had let make up labs, turn in assignments late, take quizzes a day late, etc). A few said that I was disorganized and unprepared and inexperienced and boring and that the class should have been taught by a professor instead of a graduate student.

Most of my reviews were great but it is these negative ones that stick in my mind. I put in a lot of effort into making my lectures and assignments fun and interesting, and I'm left with the feeling that the students didn't even care. Why is it that I'm focused on these negative responses, instead of the majority of evals that were quite positive? I guess I expected to get glowing reviews from everyone, about how I was the best teacher, how I had made class so enjoyable and interesting. Why did I want everyone to like me so much? Why was I so attached to the idea of glowing evaluations that would confirm what a great teacher I think I am?

As I was muddling through this disappointment, a few thoughts came to mind. First, my responsibility as a teacher is to make sure that students learn from me, not that they like me. I need to accept that responsibility as a teacher and feel comfortable with it. I shouldn't put effort into a situation for the sole purpose of making others like me. And in fact, that's not what happened - I put in a lot of effort into my class lectures because I was preparing them the best way that I knew how, and in the most effective teaching style that I could think of, not because I wanted the students to be my friends. Second, I can't let outside perspectives influence how I feel about my worth - if I'm looking for external sources to reinforce my confidence, how I feel about myself, etc. then I am going to be disappointed again and again. Third, I shouldn't take it personally...I can take these comments into consideration as constructive criticism for when I teach again.

Fourth...it was a long, tiring summer session, especially since I was working at NG during the day. And my first time teaching a college course. Overall very successful, but I'm glad to have my weeknights back.