Still in Nairobi

This sign is hanging in my office....likely put there by another graduate student.

Not Reassuring

From one of my professors:

'There was an American student when I was in Nairobi last Fall – I can’t remember her name – but she ended up in the emergency room with amoebic dysentery. The Drs. quizzed her on what she had eaten the last several days and decided it was lettuce. She said that she had bought it in a supermarket, sealed in plastic with “triple washed” printed on the outside of the package.'

Petite Power!

This was pretty funny, for those of you who saw the announcement yesterday....
(from The Huffington Post)

TMI (too much information)

I went to see a doctor today and he gave me antibiotics to take care of a number of different organisms that could be making me sick. Did not want to go the route of stool samples, which involves three days of taking a dump in a plastic bag and sticking it in the freezer to take back to the doctor. No thanks. So hopefully I'll be feeling better soon. I'm ready to lay out on the beach in Mozambique already.

Be Thankful

From a poem, author unknown:

Be thankful when you don't know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes.
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Happy Thanksgiving To Me

Wow, it's been three weeks since I last posted?!?! I was feeling kind of down after the election - I thought it was from being homesick and tired of Nairobi and working at the museum. I'm sure those all played a part, but then I started having the symptoms that I remember all too well from being sick with a parasite last summer. After a week of that (along with a lot of denial) I gave in and started taking a 'just in case' supply of medication that I had. The medication, obviously, works by killing the parasite. This means there are all sorts of unpleasant side-effects to the human as well. So I went through all that and finished the medication on Monday. I have not been feeling any better so I finally decided to see a doctor today but for various reasons that went nowhere. And my symptoms are consistent with the parasite I had last summer but the medication I took does not seem to have worked. So this afternoon I went to the 'chemist' (pharmacist) and got another drug. It's a single-dose treatment, where you take 4 pills at once, and can be pretty sick for the next 24 hours because the drug is so strong. I was reading the accompanying info and it spoke about 'toxicity levels', which is really not something you want to read about when it comes to medicine you're about to take. I spent most of the day at home and am about to take a bath and give myself plenty of time to sleep tonight so that hopefully I will feel better when I wake up tomorrow.

I am envious of all the good food that people in the US will be eating (and enjoying) today. After the chemist I went to the market and made myself a Thanksgiving-inspired dinner:

From The Onion

Black Man Given Nation's Worst Job

WASHINGTON—African-American man Barack Obama, 47, was given the least-desirable job in the entire country Tuesday when he was elected president of the United States of America. In his new high-stress, low-reward position, Obama will be charged with such tasks as completely overhauling the nation's broken-down economy, repairing the crumbling infrastructure, and generally having to please more than 300 million Americans and cater to their every whim on a daily basis. As part of his duties, the black man will have to spend four to eight years cleaning up the messes other people left behind. The job comes with such intense scrutiny and so certain a guarantee of failure that only one other person even bothered applying for it. Said scholar and activist Mark L. Denton, "It just goes to show you that, in this country, a black man still can't catch a break."

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/black_man_given_nations

also....

Nation Finally Shitty Enough To Make Social Progress

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/nation_finally_shitty_enough_to

and....

Bush: 'Can I Stop Being President Now?'

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/bush_can_i_stop_being_president

Today is a good day to be an American abroad

It's been a long time since I've been able to say that.

Kenya is engulfed in Obama-mania, as I heard someone refer to it. The president declared today a national holiday so the museum was closed and we had the day off. On the streets, amidst all the Swahili spoken around me I can constantly pick out the word 'Obama'.

And living in DC just got a whole lot more exciting too!!!

Good Night

I'm going to bed early because I'm getting together with some Americans at 6am tomorrow for a breakfast election party. We're hoping that we'll wake up to a new president...

Only in Africa, Part II

That's a monkey* on my balcony.


And there are the remains of it's snack.

The bananas aren't from my kitchen, but, needless to say from now on I'm going to be a lot more careful about leaving my balcony door open.

*http://www.kenyabeasts.org.uk/four.htm
Scroll down to 'Sykes Monkey'

Only in Africa

Yesterday I was walking by one of the busiest, nastiest roundabouts you can imagine and in between the cars there was a guy on a bike with crates piled up about eight feet high over the rear rack.

The Gift of Time

Looking back, my original plan to stay in Nairobi for only three weeks seems extremely foolish. I've been here for just over that amount of time and am about halfway through the work I need to do. I've found that it's difficult to estimate how much time it will take to study a fossil collection, and another student at the museum who is here for an entire year told me that she was advised to figure out how much time she thought she would need and to double it. Because you never count on days like I had today - where I spent the morning running around town printing and xeroxing the application materials for a research permit, and then spent the afternoon identifying pieces of rhinoceros bones. There are about 200 bone fragments that I need to identify as either hippo or rhino, and unless you are really familiar with those animals the way to do that is to figure out which bone your fragment is from and then compare it with the relevant bone from both a hippo and a rhino to see which one it resembles. Second to elephants, the white rhino is the largest terrestrial animal alive. The osteology department has skeletons of rhinos arranged in big boxes and on shelves. So imagine going through boxes pulling out these huge and heavy bones and you can see why I only made it through about 1/5th of the work I had intended to do today.

So I was walking home at dusk, freaking out at how little work I had gotten done...and I thought, okay, I have the money, I don't need to be back in DC for anything...so I am going to give myself the gift of time and stay in Africa as long as it takes me to get through my dissertation work and not worry about it anymore.

Life in Nairobi

Life in Nairobi is good. I'm working like crazy and decided to extend my trip, partly because there are more fossils to study than I anticipated and also because I'm really enjoying being here, which is kind of surprising. I was in Nairobi last summer for four or five weeks and was dying to leave towards the end of my trip, which is why I had planned a shorter visit this time. I think a big difference is that this time I have my own apartment, and last summer I was staying at a place with my professors and other students and post-docs - all a great crew, but let me tell you, sharing a bathroom with one of your professors and her husband, and seeing your advisor first thing in the morning when you go the kitchen to make coffee were not super-pleasant experiences. Oh, and I also caught the parasite last summer too. This time I am boiling all of my water.

Also, I will be the first to admit that I am leading a really sheltered life here. I basically just go back and forth between my apartment and the museum and don't have to deal with 'real' Nairobi too much (more about that later). I'm staying in a beautiful apartment that charges about what I pay for my rent in DC, but has, I kid you not, daily housekeeping service (which is why my bed is made), a pool, and on-site laundry service. I also have a huge balcony where I've been doing yoga.
View from my balcony - the pool is in between the two buildings. I went for a swim this afternoon, which is, frankly, how I'd like to be spending my time in October in the future.

David Sedaris on Undecided Voters

“I look at these people and can't quite believe that they exist. Are they professional actors? I wonder. Or are they simply laymen who want a lot of attention? To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. "Can I interest you in the chicken?" she asks. "Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it? To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked."

You know you've been working too much when....

....you're walking barefoot in your apartment and step on a tiny flat rock that your shoes probably dragged in and you start examining it because it looks like a flake from a stone tool.

No messin' around

I had been advised to avoid being in Nairobi during the rainy season - late October through December. And I can see why - there's no messin' around when it rains here. Sheets and sheets of water come down, but usually for an hour or less. And these are only the 'short' rains - I can't imagine what the 'long' rains (April-June) are like.

Tina Fey on Sarah Palin

'If she wins...I'm leaving Earth.'

$1 = 73KSh (Kenyan Shillings)

You do the math.

In Bloom

Ah, Kenya. The land where there are no crosswalks and red lights and car lanes are optional. Forget assaults, beatings, kidnappings - the biggest danger in Nairobi, by far, is getting hit by a car. Or more likely a matatu, which is a banged-up minivan used as a taxi that fits about, oh, twenty-five people, and the driver always speeds like he's just escaped from prison. Makes crossing the street quite an adventure and probably takes a couple years off my life every time. Choking on the polluted air, that's another danger. Needless to say, both of these factors make spending time outside rather tricky, which is a shame because October is a beautiful month to be here - it's springtime and the weather is mild and the flowers are in full bloom and the colors are gorgeous at sunset.

Aside from the occasional hiccup things are going well - I have an office at the museum with plenty of lab space, which means that I can work after hours and go in on the weekend. The work is going exceptionally well - have some interesting fossils and am reminded why I fell in love with paleoanthropology in the first place. I've been working long hours and am considering extending my stay here by a week as there is quite a bit of material and my plans for South Africa seem like they're getting a bit complicated. And complicated is the last thing I want right now.

OMG

The museum now has wireless internet. This is a place that barely has electricity and toilet paper. Seven years ago, the first time that I visited Kenya, we had to go to a shopping center in another part of town to use an internet cafe. Five years ago, the second time that I was in Kenya, an internet cafe closer to the museum had opened. Last year, for the first time, the apartment building had wireless internet. And now the museum. Wow, how times have changed.

Arrived

Ah, Kenya. Land of the cheerful people and the dusty and rattling cars. There is such a distinct smell to Nairobi - unlike anything I have experienced before. It smells spicy and earthy and like a burning campfire, and it hit me the second I walked off the plane. I made it to Nairobi okay but unfortunately one of my pieces of luggage has not. By sheer dumb luck the checked piece that did arrive had the most important stuff in it - toiletries, socks and underwear and the food that I had packed for the night I arrived. Good reminder to pack more carefully next time. I got in late on Sunday night after 19 hours on three different planes with next to no sleep and no food (I'd rather starve than eat most airplane food). So I got to my apartment, had a little food and a quick shower, and had to be up 8 hours later to go to the museum. I woke up feeling not so great, undoubtedly due to the lack of food and sleep, but still trudged to the museum to meet with the department heads and get everything organized. I was there for a few hours and started to feel worse and worse, attempted to go to a restaurant for some food (long and bad story), and by the time I got home was massively sick. But I took a bunch of pills, slept all afternoon, went out for dinner and made it to the grocery store so things should run a bit more smoothly now.

I'm staying in a great apartment and should be set up with an office in the museum tomorrow. Today I found about 3/4 of the fossils that I need to study, which is an exceptionally good start to my time here.

'Life is just one damned thing after another'

I thought this quote was by Winston Churchill though apparently it's from Elbert Hubbard. Not that this sentiment hasn't been expressed by just about every person on the planet at some point.

I've been in DC for four days and am leaving for Kenya tomorrow. In the past four days I've had to deal with getting a visa for Mozambique, putting together an application for a research permit in Kenya, going to a travel clinic for updated immunization shots and malaria medicine, calling my insurance to get a three-month supply of prescriptions, dealing with GW bureaucracy to get reimbursed for travel expenses, going to the dentist, making doctor's appointments for when I come back, meeting at the Smithsonian with my dissertation co-chairs, organizing my research for Kenya and South Africa, making hotel reservations and other travel plans, registering with the US embassies abroad, seeing friends, trying to squeeze in yoga classes, etc etc etc. Today, as I was running around, it really hit me that it is never going to end. I've chosen to have an active life, I'm a 'doer', and things will probably never. slow. down. for. me. If I wasn't traveling I'm sure I'd be running around doing something else. So, it's time for me to stop waiting for things to calm down and instead find a way to not let the business in my life overtake me.

I really think that for the next few months, perhaps the next year, I need to do some major simplification of my life. Finishing my dissertation, yoga/meditation, friendships, and preparing for the next phase of my life. And that's it.

100% Happy

The reason I have not posted lately is that… I was having such a good time in Berlin that I didn’t want to sit down and write about it. I just wanted to live it. I feel such good energy in this city and it really resonates with my own energy and connects me to myself. I keep reminding myself that my life should always feel this way. I stayed with a student from Bolivia and we immediately became great friends and had fun hanging out at her place and going out in the city. I met a romantic interest who, if you can believe it, is a German Buddhist poet who spent the last year traveling in India and has the same Buddha statute in his apartment as I do. I spent a lot of time at a great coffee shop using their wireless internet and went to some really fun places in the city, some new ones and some that I had been to before. On Saturday I spent the afternoon lying in the sun in the Tiergarten park. The work at the museum was long and intense but fun and rewarding and I have more ideas for future research projects that I could do with the collection there. I’ve been meditating a lot and am feeling relaxed and have found my center again.

It’s amazing the connection that I have with this city. When I think of what I love about the city – the deep history, the acceptance, the individuality, the self-expression, they are all qualities that are important parts of myself. Aside from the times that I have spent in cities on the beach, I have never felt so at home somewhere.

In less than one week I’ll be in Nairobi via a few days in DC…looking forward to the adventures to come. I think a challenge for myself in the next few months is going to be to stay connected with myself and stay in the present moment while I’m doing so much traveling and going to so many different places.

From Joe

'It's not every day you get to see an African-American man spank a white senior citizen on live network TV, so you should all definitely join in for the fun.'

(regarding the upcoming Obama-McCain debate)

Here's hoping!!!

Au Revoir and a Sweet Story

Today is my last day in France. I had many idyllic moments here but overall it was not the vacation that I had hoped for. A lot is changing in my family and I think it is difficult for everyone to deal with. It's been an interesting parallel with the changes that are going on in my own life and how I am dealing with those. It's also been an excellent opportunity to practice all sorts of lessons such as appreciating the positive and letting go of the negative, staying centered in an unpleasant situation, how people create drama for themselves and, as a personal note to myself, how freaking unpleasant it is to be around someone who is unhappy and stressed out.

So, while it was not the vacation that I had been looking forward to perhaps it was the vacation that, on some level, I needed.

I did have many good times though and one especially sweet story sticks out in my mind. We have a fancy new espresso machine that I initially was afraid to touch but is so easy to use that my 7-year old niece can and in fact does use it to make espresso for the rest of us. She was making me a drink one afternoon and I told her that the best possible way to wake Aunt Catherine up in the morning would be to come to my room with a cup of espresso. And sure enough, on the mornings that Mei Li was here there was a knock on my door followed by a little girl in pajamas handing me a steaming cup. Truly one one of the sweetest ways I know of to start out the day :)

From Elise

'Yesterday I started my happiness log. That's where I write down any happy thoughts/things from the day. I'm trying to voice those instead of the unhappy ones. So far I feel great so I hope the happiness log continues to keep me positively focused.'

Elise is not a yoga friend but grew up with Buddhist parents. This reminds me that I am surrounded by interesting and introspective and inspiring people - I love that I have friends who do things like this!

Better than a raise

I received a very thoughtful email from one of my former students about an experience he had in a political science class this semester. The professor asked the class a question and, he writes: "I waited a moment, though I had a question already burning in my head, to hear what my classmates had to say. They all gave good answers at which point the professor politely nodded and dutifully wrote them on the board, but I still had one problem... The answers were perfect if we were only considering American cities formed during the industrial revolution. I finally asked the question that your class helped me write, "are we considering cities in the 19th and 20th century, or throughout human evolution?" Instantly, the professor perked up and began to engage us in the conversation that he really wanted to have. I chimed in a little with some of the knowledge you gave me this summer as well as with some of my past experiences and readings. Now, I do think I would have been instantly skeptical of this question never having taken your class, BUT, I would not have had the words or the breadth of evidence to ask it, I might have kept quiet. It's as if something about the question bothered me and you helped me put my finger on it, turn it around, and make it work for me.

I felt like writing this email to let you know that today, in a real way, one of your students used something he learned in your class to further his education and hopefully the education of 29 other people."

As a teacher, this is just about the most meaningful thing you can hope to hear. It is from the student who asked me out, but still.

Parallel Universe

I arrived in France a few days ago and am in the midst of my parallel life. Today, for example, I had espresso and an almond croissant for breakfast, walked to the market with my mom, took a walk in the vineyards, had quiche and vintage reserve wine for lunch, hung laundry in the attic (we don't have a dryer), ironed towels, sheets and pillowcases (because everything's stiff when it's line-dried), read and sipped tea in a lounge chair snuggled under a blanket (it's already fall here), did yoga under a huge skylight during a torrential downpour, and had soup and more wine for dinner. Yes, people really live like this here.

And, in other exciting news.....a family member in the village now has wireless internet! Which makes it easier for me to get on-line using my own computer :) I guess I'm still an American at heart.

Astrological Reading

I was about to publish a post titled 'The year of hard knocks' that was basically another 'woe is me' post - Mike and I are broken up, I'm approaching the end of my dissertation, I've decided to leave DC but I don't know what I'm doing with my life.....all endings that are pretty hard to deal with. It made me think if my astrology session, which I haven't yet blogged about, so here we go. We talked about three main things during my session: the signs in my natal chart, the alignment of the planets in my natal chart, and future planetary transits.

There are three main signs in a chart: the sun, the ascendant, and the moon. The combination of these three signs (among other things) is what makes a person unique, and explains the difference among people of the same sun sign. My sun is in Cancer, my ascendant is Virgo and my moon sign is Aquarius.

I have always seen how I am very much a Cancer - sensitive, moody, empathetic, emotional, imaginative, caring, nurturing. The sun sign is your true nature, your heart, how the people who know you best see you. Cancer is said to be the most enigmatic of the signs due to the seeming contradictions - the need for closeness, the need for independence; the desire to nurture a home life, the desire to travel and seek adventure; the desire to care for, the desire to be cared for; a desire for stability, an initiator of change. Yes, yes, yes, all of that describes me. The ascendant sign is how you present yourself to the world, the first impression that people have of you. Virgo is meticulous, critical, detailed, orderly, caring, earthy, nurturing ('beautiful earth woman' is how she put it), a perfectionist, and finds meaning through serving others. Oh, and they are huge worriers. In many ways Cancer and Virgo reinforce many of the same traits. In fact, I read that their approach to change is a deep desire to seek safety where Cancer clings to the past and Virgo worries about the future. Virgos are also said to be the great synthesizers of the zodiac - focused on putting every piece into its place in order to understand the whole. My moon is in Aquarius. The moon sign describes how you approach your emotions. I've never understood how an Aquarian moon fits with my personality - because I am far from the typical Aquarian traits - but the astrologer said that this moon sign gives me a mental approach to my emotions, where I am able to step back and articulate how I am feeling.

The second aspect we talked about was the planetary alignment in my natal chart. This refers to how the planets were aligned at the time of your birth. There are a million things that I could go into but I will just touch on a few. A significant aspect is that Saturn and Mars are next to each other (conjunct) in my first house, which is interesting because they have different energies and are thus an unusual pairing. Saturn is about hard work, discipline and responsibility while Mars is about fire, passion and energy. Having them so close together means that if they are not working together they can cancel each other out - where Mars makes me want to express myself but Saturn holds me back. Managing these two energies is supposed to get easier as you get older and can allow you to use your energy in a very focused way. There are several signs that indicate the importance of my life path as an inner calling and that my career and relationships with others will need to relate to this for me to feel fulfilled. As with the sun signs, I have quite a bit of opposing energy in my chart that can help me to feel balanced and more whole if the energy is properly managed or can cause a lot of inner conflict if it is not in harmony.

And finally, we talked about my future planetary transits, or how the planets will align in my near future. It so happens that I have a very, very, very significant event coming up: Saturn Returns. This refers to the time when the planet Saturn returns to the place where it was when you were born. Saturn is the most slow-moving of the planets and it takes 28-30 years to fully circle your chart. Saturn represents the limitations in your life - which on first glance can sound restrictive, but this allows you to focus your energy and gives your life direction and meaning. The Saturn Returns event represents a hugely significant time in your life where you have already gone through the experiences that it takes to become an adult and where you consciously choose your life direction and take your place in the world. An interesting aspect in my chart is that Saturn is in the 1st house - the house of self, personal identity, new beginnings. Currently, and over the last few years, Saturn has been moving through my 12th house - the house that represents death, letting go, karmic energy, lessons learned. So as the astrologer put it, this a a 'double whammy' for me - not only am I experiencing the Saturn Returns event, but it is cycling through some major houses of karmic death and rebirth.

I am interested to hear if any of you experienced the effects of Saturn Returns around the age of 29......?

The day nothing went as planned

And that describes my Sunday. It started waking up with a cold, which I think I got either from the toxins swirling around my body after getting a massage yesterday or the fact that I've gotten to bed late and tipsy the past few nights and have not been using the neti pot. In any case, I have a summer cold. And I locked myself out of my apartment, so instead of doing what I had planned for the day you can guess how I spent the afternoon.

Over the past few days I've been realizing that mentally, I am already gone. The most important things for my trip are taken care of and I'm past the stress, and am feeling excited and happy to be traveling soon. This doesn't really fit with trying to be present and completely in the moment, but on the other hand traveling internationally for such a long time is a huge adjustment - different language, surroundings, people, food, customs, etc. So I've been justifying my mental state by saying that it's preparing me for my big trip. Well, the yoga gods had a chuckle over that one because today brought me back to the present with a big jolt.

I Heart Apple

I have a new MacBook and let me just say, wow. I was planning on spending time this weekend setting up my new laptop and transferring the files from my old one, but all I had to do was connect the two laptops and everything transferred automatically. Absolutely ridiculously easy. Almost frighteningly easy because I feel like the computer is way smarter than I am.

Oy vey

Ack! So much to do!!! Just booked my ticket to Kenya - it's a 20 hour flight. Yes, 20 HOURS. Am having trouble finding a place to stay in Berlin as once AGAIN, I will be there during the f****** marathonstrecke (Berlin marathon). Trying to track down obscure German paleontology articles from the 1930s and 1940s at the Smithsonian libraries. Trying to translate (mmm, that's ambitious - more like trying to understand) the ones that I do have (feels like a treasure hunt where all the clues (words) are floating around until finally they come together in a way that I can understand). Figuring out which research files I need to take to Berlin without having an entire suitcase full of paper that I will then have to drag around Europe. Writing Chapter 4 (yes, Chapter 4!!) of my dissertation. And my health insurance expires tomorrow, naturally. And I have a grant report due for a grant that I was awarded but have yet to receive the money for.

Oh, I'm SO looking forward to being in France and doing ridiculous things like lying in a meadow during the middle of the day, eating pastries for breakfast and drinking wine at noon, hiking in the forest until I find a quiet, sunny spot to read and eat some more pastries, picking blackberries and maybe raspberries and plums, and, most importantly, being disconnected from the internet and most other technology! Because who needs an iPhone when you're in a tiny village surrounded by vineyards?

'Life is a series of uncomfortable yoga poses'

I listened to a short talk by Darren Main yesterday (an amazing yoga teacher and writer whom I've quoted on this blog before) and he said something along the lines of the above quote. A typical Darren Main thing to say, as he's a funny guy who has a great way of conveying yogic principles in a humorous and accessible way. I went to a yoga class tonight and was focusing on breathing through a difficult pose when I thought of his words. My breath has been pretty shallow and strained lately, which is a direct reflection of the stress and worry in my mind. I'm definitely feeling the tension in my body, and one of the reasons I wanted to go to class tonight was to regain a sense of breathing deeply and fully. But why limit practicing breathing through difficult situations to 75 minutes a day? There's certainly ample opportunity for this in the non-yoga class parts of life.

Here's the link to Darren's talk - click on the 'play' icon and then 'yoga for stress'.
http://www.yourhealthconnection.com/topic/mmyoga

I also saw one of my friends who told me a funny story - we had seen each other on the street a few days ago and she was with a male friend. After we waved she told him that she knew me from the yoga studio. To which he responded, 'I can tell, she has a great a**.'

Clarification and Clarity

Let me clarify - I am too old to be teaching a night class that meets two hours a night, four days a week, filled with sprightly 19-21 year olds who are at the peak of their day instead of ready to have a drink and unwind like I am at 6pm. But the class is over and I received some very nice emails from a few students and certainly learned a lot from this teaching experience.

It was also really tough for me to teach on top of working on my dissertation and planning for my upcoming trip. A classic case of 'Catherine thinks she can carry three times her body weight' where I manage but barely. This weekend was the first since the month of MAY that I didn't have to prepare any lessons for the upcoming week.

I spent a lot of time this weekend meditating and doing yoga and am feeling SO much better than I have in the past few weeks. When, when, when will I learn that I have to keep up these practices daily? Because I really can't function at 100% if I don't. So, that is my goal for the upcoming two weeks as I get ready for my big trip. I'm feeling inspired and motivated about attaining whatever I feel so passionate about after watching the intense focus of my new boyfriend, who just won eight gold medals at the olympics.

'How can I just let you walk away...'

I heard this piece on the radio this morning and thought it was freakin' hilarious, the funniest thing I've heard in a long time. Girl goes through break-up, finds comfort in the sappiest of sappy songs, and talks to Phil Collins about it. Maybe you have to be getting over a break-up to fully appreciate it.....but if you're in the mood, click on the 'Full Episode' link on the left-hand side of the page, fast forward to 5 minutes, and listen to as much as you can take.

http://www.thislife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?episode=339

I Am Too Old To Be Teaching A Night Class

And that's the name of that tune.

Uncommon Focus

From an article in today's Washington Post on the mental powers of Michael Phelps:

'Along with an unburdened mind and an uncommon focus comes a complete absence of fear.'

I'm leaving DC in three weeks for a three-month trip to Europe and Africa. I could use some uncommon focus as I'm daunted (uh, super scared and worried) by all that I need to do before I go. I'll just have to keep thinking of Michael Phelps, which really is not a bad thing to do.

Words of Wisdom From the Undergrad Crew

As a student pointed out in a homework assignment:

'It wasn't as though modern humans woke up one morning reciting poetry and painting their own Mona Lisa's.'

Yes, change usually happens slowly......sometimes very very slowly.


Addendum: Oh, my students say the funniest things. Since there's a lot of contradictory evidence in paleoanthropology (or, to be more precise, little evidence and a multitude of conflicting interpretations) I tend to phrase homework assignments and quiz questions along the lines of 'Given the evidence surrounding XX issue, which argument do you find most compelling and why?' I get lots of creative answers from the undergrad crew, to say the least.

Big Surprise

I submitted a dissertation completion schedule to my committee a few weeks ago and just received feedback from my chair. He thinks my timeline is a bit too ambitious and is urging me to consider graduating in February 2010, instead of July 2009 as I had planned. Not sure how I feel about that.

He did describe my dissertation research as 'interesting, complex and innovative' though.

From the Buddha

I was just looking out the window and remembered a conversation I had with my friend Kevin, aka Buddha, a few weeks ago when I was in the midst of my rough teaching experience. I was asking him all sorts of questions (which I don't even remember now, but probably along the lines of 'Why me, why is this happening to me') hoping to get a concrete response from the wise one that I could use to make sense of it all. Rather, he gently said, 'Maybe those aren't the questions you should be asking.'

Interesting to reflect on when we get so caught up in our own stories, so caught up in trying to understand them. Maybe those aren't the questions that we should be asking.

Through the Looking Glass

'A boat beneath a sunny sky,
Lingering onward dreamily
In an evening of July --

Long had paled that sunny sky:
Echoes fade and memories die.
Autumn frosts have slain July.

Still she haunts me, phantomwise,
Alice moving under skies
Never seen by waking eyes.

Dreaming as the days go by,
Dreaming as the summers die:

Ever drifting down the stream --
Lingering in the golden gleam --
Life, what is it but a dream?'

I left the yoga studio after 8 tonight and it was already getting dark as I made my way home. Seems like it was just yesterday that the long summer days stretched out in front of me and late into the evening. Now summer is coming to an end, in more ways than one.

From Kevin

'Create art, practice yoga, express love'

Sweet music to a teacher's ears

'It makes so much sense when you explain it.'

-Wilmer, undergraduate student

Farm Girls

Tiffany wrote a terrific post about our day at Bigg Riggs Farm - check out the link below. She has really gotten into the local food scene and has a fantastic blog about her adventures in shopping and cooking with local foods (and to think that when we first lived together she went to McDonalds and didn't recycle!) (Just had to throw that in, Tiff :). Stay tuned, a guest piece by moi has been in the works for sometime. Oh, and she forgot to mention that we ended the day at a local diner in Somewhere, W. VA. with hush puppies (for her), a baked potato (for me) and two slices of yummy homemade pie.

I also got carried away by the sight of all the fresh produce and bought about 20 lbs of peaches for a price so low I wasn't sure I'd been clear that I wanted the biggest bag of fruit. So many peaches that on my metro ride home a stray peach toppled out from the top of the bag and started rolling around under the seats. Oops. Luckily I ran into one of my yoga friends as I was exiting the metro and he helped me carry my bags of treasures home.

http://virginiafoodie.typepad.com/

Tell It Like It Is

What a week. So emotional, and I've found it challenging to stay balanced. Class went a lot better though. My aunt 'tell-it-like-it-is' Liz encouraged me to immediately address with the class what had gone wrong last week. My initial reaction was along the lines of 'That's the last thing I want to bring up again.' But I did - at the beginning of class on Monday I told them it was great they asked so many questions, but we were falling behind and I had not explained things as clearly as I would have liked. So I asked them to please limit their in-class questions to ones that were directly relevant to the lecture so that I could ensure we covered all of the material that we needed to. They responded very well and class went smoothly the rest of the week.

In fact, one of my students felt so comfortable that he asked me out for a drink. For a split-second the thought of taking refuge from the ups-and-downs of the week in the arms of a tall, dark, muscular Colombian sounded quite appealing. Only for a split-second.

Today my former roommate Tiffany and I spent the day at a farm in West Virginia. It was beautiful and a lot of fun and a great way to start off the weekend. She took lots of pictures so I'll post those and write about it soon.

Tragic News

I received some very sad news this morning. One of my friends and anthropology mentors from ASU died in a motorcycle accident yesterday. He was on his way to work and collided with a truck, killing him instantly. He was a gentle, thoughtful, considerate, and caring human being known for his integrity and work ethic. He was also a brilliant young scientist who made many significant research contributions to our discipline. In addition to the personal tragedy of his death, science has suffered a huge blow with the loss of this exceptional human being.

Teaching - Take Two

My heart has been racing this evening at the thought of going back to the classroom tomorrow. I called some fellow teacher-friends to get some advice on regaining confidence after a failed teaching experience, and was just looking at my face in the mirror as I was getting ready for bed and thought of the following: 'Courage is not the absence of fear, it is doing what you are afraid to do.'

There's no question that I'm learning.....I guess that's what these experiences are for.

I had a lovely weekend - my grandmother and aunt Steph came to visit, and we had a great time relaxing, reading newspapers, eating, and visiting the monuments. It was really nice to have company in my apartment and spend some time with family, especially after the week I had. Because family loves you and thinks you're great no matter what you do :)

Let It Go: Advice from a Leo

I taught the worst class of my entire life yesterday. And have I mentioned that the class is two hours long? I won't go into detail, but I arrived already feeling flustered and it went downhill from there. I was really upset and frustrated and angry with myself when I left, and when I found myself laying in bed still thinking about it at 1am I called a friend on the west coast to vent and get it off my chest. His advice:

'It sounds like you need to let it go.'

Me: Uh, yeah. But how?

'Put it in perspective. It's a few hours in one day of one class in one year that's just one part of grad school.'

Me: Hmmm...

'And when they ask questions that go beyond the basic knowledge you have of material that's outside of your field, it's perfectly reasonable to say 'That's an excellent question that's beyond the scope of this class' or 'I'd like to know the answer to that too - can anyone look into that and report back to the class?' And if they ask you questions that you should be able to answer it indicates you're not as prepared as you need to be and so you should work on that.'

Me: But I feel like a bad teacher and that as college students paying for this class, they deserve better. I'm dreading going back on Monday

'You're what they've got. And Monday is a fresh start.'

Me: This makes a lot of sense. I don't feel like it's such a big deal anymore. Thanks, I think I can fall asleep now.

It's so interesting to see how people can have different reactions to/perspectives on the same event depending on their personality and general outlook. I'm especially intrigued by this after my astrology reading earlier this week - my friend is a Leo, a sign that exudes confidence as naturally as the rest of us breathe. I'm a Cancer with Virgo rising, the two biggest worriers and self-critics of the zodiac (anyone surprised?) More thoughts on this to come.

Wikipedia, my new best friend

On Monday I started teaching a new class - same subject matter but a new group of students. Very different from the first group. There are almost twice as many, mostly males (which, though the feminist in me hates to admit, generally leads to more questions, discussion and opinions), and they seem more motivated and interested in learning purely for the sake of knowledge. They're keeping me on my toes, to say the least. I've already been caught off guard many times (e.g., How long [in real time] does it take for a cell to divide? Do the different processes of cell division happen at different rates? How did different chromosome numbers between species evolve?) - all excellent questions I would love to know the answers to. So I've started going over my powerpoint slides in minute detail before every class, googling every single question I can think of that the students might ask.

A New Earth...Yes, please

I'm currently re-reading 'A New Earth' (recommended by Oprah and my dad), which I'm finding to be a very powerful book. Especially powerful considering how easy it is to read it, absorb and be awed by the lessons, carry a fresh outlook into your daily life, and promptly forget what you've learned until you find yourself drawn to the book again.

'The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek'

As a birthday present I decided to see an astrologer, which is something that has always intrigued me. Several friends have seen this particular woman and have raved about her insight. She has this quote by Joseph Campbell as her signature, which is making me look forward to my appointment even more.....I'm excited to see what I will learn.

Smile in Your Liver

Sometimes my meditation practice can seem rather heavy, so this morning I followed the advice of the Balinese medicine man from EPL:

'To meditate, only you must smile. Smile with face, smile with mind, and good energy will come to you and clean away dirty energy. Even smile in your liver.'

Birthday Bliss

The past few days have been a wonderful celebration. I was going to have a low-key year but my extraordinary friends had other plans, so it's turning into a birthday week. Sunday evening some French friends cooked a delicious meal that included two bottles of champaign and a menu that I could write an entire post about. The day itself was filled with more friends and vegan cupcakes to boot. I truly received the best presents that can be given - phone calls and emails and hugs and kisses from friends near and far, blessings of abundant love, caring, friendships, and amazing souls in my life.

Action Shots

A photographer came to my class last week to take pictures for the university - here's the link if you'd like to see me in action.

http://kevinallenphoto2.com/anthropology

Done!!!

I just submitted the final grades for my anthropology class. Off to go celebrate at the garden.

City Life, Country Mind

I'm feeling rejuvenated from my weekend in the country -- was at a house atop a hill overlooking a valley near Franklin, W. Va. It was beautiful and quiet and still and peaceful and I was in the company of good people. Went on some hikes, did some yoga, listened to Neil Young, but mostly let myself be enveloped by the stillness, vastness and openness of the surrounding valleys, fields and trees. Also started reading 'A New Earth' while sitting on a sunny rock in the middle of the forest, which was ridiculously perfect. Pics to come soon.

Kids these days

A student (Travis) sent me this email today:

Thanks for the help, I put the lab in your mailbox yesterday, see ya monday!
--travholla

Fine, polite, whatever. But can you imagine talking to one of your college professors so informally?? Many students send me emails with words spelled 'gotta, gonna' and that start out with 'Hey Catherine, what's up?'. Perhaps I'm an old fuddy-duddy, but it always surprises me when they write like this. Is it a generational thing - are younger people going to address their supervisors, bosses, like this too?

If I had more self-confidence, I would....

About a year ago I came across the idea of asking yourself this question when you're struggling or going through a rough time...and I have to say that EVERY SINGLE TIME my answer (the first one that comes to mind) has been exactly what I need to do. I don't always listen that closely and it can take time to actually do it, but the answer has always been spot on. And sometimes the answer is 'Nothing' when I'm happy and content and engaged with my life. It's an interesting exercise, one that I've found forces you to be honest with yourself (especially when you don't want to).

Ask and you shall receive

I'm completely burned out after a pretty challenging week, and last night I was thinking about how nice it will be to have this weekend to relax and renew...and was promptly asked if I was interested in a trip to a house in West Virginia with 'an indoor pool and hot tub and an amazing yoga studio.' This could not have come at a better time :)

'Be willing to die, so that you might live'

I read this line in a poem by Goethe a few days ago and it has really refreshed my perspective on change. Letting go is a form of death, but it allows for rebirth as well. This comes up in the garden all the time - pulling up plants that are nearing their end in order to sew seeds that will lead to new life. All very poignant for me right now as I struggle to loosen many attachments in my life.

Deep Breath

I had a student say something rather rude to me after class today regarding a quiz that I had just handed back. I stood there for a while in shock, and was strongly tempted to stop by ABP for a brownie and vanilla latte to make myself feel better. But I calmly walked back to my office, talked with one of my professors to get it off my chest, and am back at my desk ready to prepare my lesson for tomorrow. Though part of my ego is shrieking 'Those little f@%&*s, I don't want to spend the afternoon working for them", my inner voice is repeating the mantra "My job is to teach the students, not to have them like me" (see the very first post of this blog).

Garden Toddler

This morning I harvested pac choi, pulled up red lettuce plants, tilled and fertilized a 3x8 foot box plot, planted collard and mustard greens, seeded a half-dozen varieties of squash, and braided garlic.

Let me explain.

I've been volunteering at a local garden for the past few months that donates the harvest to not-so-well off members of the community. I love it for many reasons - I get to sit on the ground and get my hands dirty (reminds me of archeology), I'm learning a lot about plants and growing food, and I've met some great people outside of my usual circle of friends. I usually go during the week, which is nice because it's a small group of people and we kind of take a look around and do what needs doing. Which for me, usually means weeding (I love it, it indulges my perfectionist side) or thinning (mmm, I don't do so well with this kind of tough love) or desuckering (which we've decided is the greatest gardening term ever).

I also try to go on Saturday mornings if I get up early enough and I don't have other plans. I made it over today and it's a totally different atmosphere on the weekend - many more people, and tasks are written on a whiteboard so it's much more planned and a lot gets done. It also means that I end up doing a wider variety of things, like trying to figure out, with an elderly African-American woman who has lived in the neighborhood since 1952, how one braids garlic plants to hang and dry. Um, until very recently I didn't even know that garlic came in any other form than the flaky bulbs that you buy at the supermarket. I'm really enjoying learning in this community environment, and can't wait for the day when I can have my own garden that consists of more than herbs on my windowsill.

Fear

Fear. What a funny, strange, powerful thing. After a week of steady dissertation progress I've found myself at a standstill the past few days. Reflecting on the week, where I found out that my fellowship will end (for. good.) after July of next year, I realized that I didn't want to work on my diss because I'm afraid of what will happen when I finish. And if I don't work on it I won't finish, so I won't have to make any big decisions about where I want to live and apply for jobs, right? Ha! When I think about leaving DC one of the biggest things that holds me back is my beautiful, sunny, rent-controlled apartment in Dupont Circle. I'm afraid that if I move I won't find another place as nice as this, EVER. Uh, yeah, that's not silly at all. My number one reason for not wanting to end things with Mike was that I was terrified of what life would be like without our relationship, and now I'm happier with my life than I've ever been. Aargh! How often does fear hold you back without you realizing it? I'm ready to slap the sneaky bastard upside the head.

Hello Neighbor

My new neighbor, who is tall, nice, and oh so good-looking knocked on my door this evening to borrow my laundry card. We'd met in the elevator a few days ago and we talked in my entryway for a while.

Hello.

He's gay, like 98% of the cute and friendly guys in my neighborhood. His boyfriend was with him.

Heat Wave Ho-Hum

Not much going on here. The weather in DC is ridiculous. Unbelievably hot and muggy with occasional torrential downpours. Apparently it's even been foggy in the morning, though I'm not out early enough to see that. I'm spending a lot of time preparing for my class, trying to sleep enough and eat healthy, attempting (sometimes successfully) to meditate and stay centered. It's so easy to get distracted though, between the uncomfortableness of this heat and life's daily challenges (such as having a gas leak in my oven on a Sunday afternoon, the A/C in my office that's been broken for the past two weeks, students explaining why they missed the quiz yesterday and that they're happy to make it up whenever is convenient for me). Today I dealt with the challenges by coming home at 3pm, having a margarita and two big helpings of ice cream. Hmmmm, interesting choice. Well, I'm about to head off to Kevin's 8:00pm Yoga 2 class, which is always a good way to hit the re-set button.

Flexing my 'No' muscle

I have been saying 'No' all day. At times to other people, but mostly to my own mind. No, I am not going to take on that responsibility. No, I am not going to bend over backward to accommodate another person. No, I am not going to check my email every three minutes. No, I am not going to think that after work I can meet a friend for tea, stop by the farmers market, pick up some contact solution, and have enough time to cook dinner, grade papers, and prepare my lesson for tomorrow. And most importantly -- No, I am not going to worry about that. No, I am not going to think that thought. No, I am not going to let my mind wander off in that direction. No, I am not going to get sad or upset by that situation. No, I am not going to lose myself to the irritation I feel from another person's actions. No, I am not going to be distracted from what is in front of me.

It's about time I started working out again.

Wonder Woman

I secretly think I'm Wonder Woman. It's so secret that I usually forget about it, but my subconscious uses this belief as its guiding principle. I don't harbor illusions that I can fly or win street flights or look good running around in bikini bottoms. Rather, I believe that I am able to do an infinite and endless amount of anything and everything.

Then Wonder Woman crashes down to earth, flying straight into the ground in ruins.

I've spent part of the day feeling frustrated with my inability to do everything that I try to do and also believing, really believing, that I am capable of doing everything that I take on. I know that getting over this frustration isn't a matter of prioritizing or organizing or spending even more time working - it's a matter of setting boundaries, sticking to them, saying no, and not feeling bad about it. Recognizing that I've been speeding in the offramp lane to craziness and deciding to find the nearest onramp back to peace of mind.

SATC

Last night I saw the Sex and the City movie with some girlfriends and one brave boy. I loved it. Of course I'm not an objective viewer, and I can't objectively say whether it was an objectively good film, but that's not the point. The point was the talented writers and actresses and movie-people that created a real and emotional connection to the characters and their stories. Yeah, they had over-the-top sex and over-the-top fashion and unrealistic apartments and jobs. But they also had deep, solid friendships, and explored the realities of love - the good, the bad, and the perplexing in-between - in an unbelievably honest, realistic, un-sugarcoated way. In the TV series the girls each had strong, defining identities and personalities and spent the run of the show looking for true love and men who were strong enough to be by their side. At the end of the series, and in the film, they have each found the love they've always wanted and the men they've always dreamed of. The fantasy has been fulfilled, and then comes the reality of...did I sacrifice myself in the process of getting what I thought I always wanted? The four girls (or only three of them, really) struggle, each in their own way, with having found love and life with a partner but having lost much of themselves in the process. The main theme of the movie, in my mind, was finding the balance of a passionate relationship and building a life with another person while being passionately yourself and staying true to who you are. My favorite line from the film was:

'Don't give up who you are just because you're afraid.'

For those who never saw the show but assumed to know it from the title, or were put off from the snippets they did see, the excessive sex and fashion and glamor were never the point of the show, or what made women devotees of the series. The point was exploring and dealing with and thinking about life's hard, gritty questions in a way that didn't make you want to jump off a bridge. Two of of my favorite lines from the TV series are:

'I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.'

and

'The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.'

From Aunt Liz

"Working on your dissertation is like eating a shit sandwich: the best part is when it’s over."

My aunt Liz told me this a few years ago and I’ve thought about it oh, daily, ever since.

Sidetracked

An annoying side effect of real life (which for me, at the moment, consists of planning lectures, giving lectures, creating exams, grading exams, grading assignments, figuring out how I'm going to get funded for next year, figuring out how to spend the grant money that I've already gotten so that I don't get taxed on it, communicating with my dissertation committee on my research progress, trying to actually make some progress on my dissertation, in addition to grocery shopping, eating, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc etc etc) is that much of the peace of mind that I gained in Berlin has flown out the window. This became obvious last week when I stopped sleeping and couldn't sit down to meditate for 10 minutes because I was distracted by all of the things that I could get done in 10 minutes if I wasn't cross-legged on the floor. On Tuesday night I went to yoga for the first time in a week and felt a sliver of peacefulness make its way back into my mind. Then yesterday I stopped by the Foggy Bottom farmer's market and felt more peacefulness creeping up on me as I looked at vegetables and talked with farmers. So today, despite the Mt. Everest size of my to-do list, I made myself leave my office early to sit on the ground and get dirty at a community garden where I've been volunteering. Then I went to yoga and got together with a good friend to eat dinner, catch up, have fun, and laugh and relax. I'm getting back on track.....slowly but surely.

Craziness, again

I got up this morning, blinked, and now it's time to go to bed. Sigh.

Long Weekend

I have spent most of the past 4 days at home, partly because I was knocked out by allergies and partly because I didn't want to leave my apartment. Which is not surprising, considering that in the past 5 months I have not been in one place any longer than 6 weeks. And come September I'll be packing my bags again. So I've enjoyed the beautiful weather, light breeze and sunshine from the many windows in my apartment. And it's been fantastic.

Farmer's Market Love

This morning I got up early (um, before 10am) to get to the Dupont Farmer's Market before the one stall that sells milk had run out. After about 25 minutes of shopping I had spent $61.50, which was all the cash that I had in my wallet. Though my initial reaction was 'yikes', I came home with:

1 loaf of sunflower-flax bread
italian herb feta cheese
cheddar cheese
1/2 gallon whole milk
yogurt
1 pint apple cider
1 pint strawberries
3 apples
1 lb lettuce
2 bunches asparagus
5 tomatoes
1 blueberry scone

So that's what I'll be eating this week, and if there's anything better in the morning than a cup of café-au-lait with fresh whole milk I don't know what that is.

Craziness

I ran out of floss on Monday and despite the fact that I pass by about 5 CVS stores daily, I was just able to make it to the store at 10:30pm tonight. This describes the crazy business of the past few days. Main item on the agenda for tomorrow (my day off from teaching): sleep.

Wedding Pics

Taking a break between formal pictures.

I have never seen Lauren look as beautiful and happy as she did on her wedding day.

Lauren and Jim had a gorgeous sunset ceremony at her parents house.

It was a beautiful day, filled with love, joy, friendship, family and happiness. It was so great to spend time with my college friends and be a part of such a beautiful expression of love.

Perfect Fabulousness

...best describes Lauren's bachlorette party and rehearsal dinner. I can't wait for the big day tomorrow!!!

Breakfast at Mom's

Today for breakfast I had coffee, pancakes and chocolate chip cookies. Who else will make all this for you and then serve you like a princess?

no longer Running On Empty

Yesterday I saw Lauren and we spent the afternoon playing with boxes, candy, ribbon and a glue gun to make party favors for the wedding guests. We were talking about life as PhD students, and she said something to the effect of 'You've really slowed down since college, and you seem a lot happier.'

This is both funny and scary - because I feel like I'm plenty busy at the moment, but it's true. Looking back, I can see how when I was younger I took pretty much everything that came my way, sometimes indiscriminately, in the process of learning and also because I kind of didn't know better. And now, with experience and a greater understanding of who I am, I am able to see more clearly, think more rationally, and make choices and decisions about what I want in my life and what I really want to be involved in.

Good News

Actually -- unbelievable, fantastic, amazing news.

One of my huge dissertation grants, which covers all my dissertation-related travel expenses to Africa, has been approved. I am still in shock, mostly because I have spent the past YEAR applying for these grants, and it was a process with a lot of unknowns and uncertainty, so I have not quite gotten used to the fact that it has all worked out. Getting this big grant means that I can use my other grant money to do things like buy a new laptop, and have on hand in case more trouble goes down in Nairobi and I need to charter a private jet to get out of the country (just kidding) (I hope).

Not that I need any rescuing, but....

After my recent break-up, on top of everything else I found myself without a date for Lauren's upcoming wedding. I feel slightly shallow that this mattered so much to me, but for whatever reason it did: I'm in the wedding party, Lauren is one of my best friends, many of my college friends will be at the wedding, and originally Mike and I had been planning to spend a week in AZ before the wedding where he would meet my parents, I'd introduce him to my friends and show him where I grew up, etc.

So. I was feeling blue about attending the wedding solo. My college friend Brent and I have recently gotten back in touch, and a few months ago he was offered a dream job in NYC. Since he is actually making some real money, and he's always been super sympathetic and supportive through good and bad times, I asked him how he felt about spending a weekend in AZ. And so Brent, aka Superman, aka my knight in shining armor, is my date for the wedding. Of course he is good friends with Lauren and he will see lots of other friends from ASU, but I can't help feeling a little special that we will be attending it together :)

In other news...

Today I found out that I received another grant to return to Berlin!!! Ich bin sehr glücklich!!

"When the karma of a relationship is done, only love remains."

More EPL (my bible).

I saw Mike this week. It was good. Emotional but not overwhelming - loving and open, in the best way possible. I have certainly emerged from our relationship a wiser woman. And having learned many lessons, too many to enumerate here. Now we'll be forging a new relationship - it will be interesting to see what that looks like as we feel our way down a new path.

Professor just got a facial and a massage

All better.

Professor needs some coffee

I'm preparing the syllabus, labs, powerpoints, and lecture notes for the class I'm teaching this summer (Introduction to Biological Anthropology). Some of the topics we're covering are: What is Science; Evolution v. Creationism; History of Evolutionary Thought; Darwin and Natural Selection; Mendelian Genetics; Basic Cell Biology, DNA and Genetics; How new species are formed; How species are classified and how relatedness is determined; Human Biological Variation and the concept of 'race'. This is all within the FIRST WEEK of class.

Not to sound like too much of a snob, but...

after spending a month in Europe, let me say that most American food is total crap.

Spring is back and so am I!

I got back to DC a few days ago on a beautiful spring day. The city is really lovely right now and the views out my apartment windows are gorgeous with the blooming flowers and leaves outside. Open windows, walking barefoot, tank-tops...yay, spring is here!! Although - I was in the sun for a few hours yesterday and got a severe sunburn on ONE shoulder. Not super considering that in a few weeks I will be a bridesmaid in Lauren's wedding and wearing a strapless dress.

Writing

'Écrire, c'est ranger la vrac de la vie.'

-Xavier, Les Poupées Russes

Leaving Berlin

I had a great weekend - after the excitement of finding the additional fossils on Friday afternoon, Fire and I went to a vegetarian restaurant and consumed copious amounts of food, wine, and Irish coffee while catching up on all the English we had not been speaking for the past few weeks. We were literally at the restaurant from 7pm to 1am. We went out for brunch the next morning, and I spent the rest of Saturday and all day Sunday exploring more of the city, taking a yoga class, and having intense moments of reflection and meditation and new understanding.

I am so thankful and utterly grateful to have been in Berlin the past month to heal, reflect, and find myself again. I fell in love with the city and its energy helped me re-focus while having fun and being light-hearted and enjoying myself. I loved every single minute I spent here, and had so many wonderful moments – seeing Thomas again, spending time with him and having him show me around the city (and cook me a great vegetarian meal last weekend), meeting Fire and connecting with her and having fun and eating great meals together (I am so grateful for my ability to form deep friendships with people I meet anywhere in the world), finding the yoga studio and learning and smiling and exploring and meeting friendly and welcoming people, walking and wandering around the city, finding surprises at every twist and turn, having a great place to work in the museum, an interesting fossil collection, and discovering additional material that will allow me to return in a few months.

True Story

In the field you usually find the most interesting fossils and artifacts on the last day of the season. Today, which was supposed to be my last day at the museum, the curator showed me an entire cabinet in a dark, dusty corner of the collections room that contains fossils from my site --including primates, carnivores, giraffes, suids, bovids, and other taxa essential for my study. This means that I just HAVE to return to Berlin in the fall to analyze this additional material!

Breathing à deux

I’ve been going to a fantastic yoga studio that I pass on my way home from the museum. The instructors are very assertive with their assists – I’ve had hands on parts of my body that haven’t been touched since my ex-boyfriend and I were together. In class yesterday the instructor had his chest pressed against my back for several minutes while we were in a stretching pose. We were breathing deeply and our breath was perfectly in sync. Feeling this made me miss this sort of touch – I think it’s mostly unique to a romantic relationship, when you’re lounging around on the couch or falling asleep together. I don’t know if I’ve ever consciously thought about how this physical connection is so beautiful and intimate, and bonds two people together.

On related note, the past few weeks have been such a good time for me. I feel more grounded and present than I have in a long time, maybe ever. I've been meditating a lot and having some intense experiences - also some really vivid dreams - and I think it's because my emotional senses are so heightened that I've been able to tap into some deep parts of myself. At first this was really cathartic but also wrapped around the pain of losing my relationship, but now (thankfully) the experiences are more centered around the gratefulness and joy I feel for my life and my present circumstances – who I am, lessons I have learned along the way, where my life is headed and who I am becoming.

Tea Party

Last night my friend Fire and I went to a Russian tea house for dinner. The drinks and food were great and the company was even better. It's funny to run into people I know when I'm at a museum abroad, but it's quite common considering how small our paleoanthro-world is.

To start out - a tea cocktail, of course.

Borscht....yummm.

And finally, some proper tea - Orange Pekoe

Pictures

I realized I haven't posted any pictures yet so I wanted to share some images of the life I've been leading in Berlin.

My cozy bedroom:

The view of the Spree River from my bedroom window:

My 'office' at the museum:

I can't believe I'm leaving in a week! I will be sorry to go. It turns out that a former post-doc from the Smithsonian is at the museum this week and we're getting together tonight to check out a Russian tea house. More later!

Gute Nachrichten!!

(Good News!!)

There was an email in my inbox this morning from the Explorers Club of DC telling me that my grant application was successful! This makes me 4/4 with the small grants (or not-so-small: this one was pretty hefty). I feel so, so blessed and am effusively grateful - being able to travel around the world and being provided for financially.

This week I have:

1) Taken yoga and Sanskrit chanting classes at a Jivamukti yoga studio
2) Had my friend Thomas take me out to the young, cool, hip parts of town
3) Gone to Tacheles, an alternative art community in an abandoned building with a bar in the empty area of the former Berlin wall
4) Had the best Mediterranean food of my life
5) Met several pieces of German eye-candy who speak English
6) Seen everything on the subway from punks to flamboyant gays to clean-cut teenagers to old women in leather pants
7) Had brunch at a Russian diner
8) Gone to the Jewish Museum
9) Had several bottles of Berliner Weisse

So much art, history, culture…cool, interesting and friendly people…places to go out…you see everything - people expressing themselves as uniquely as they want and others don’t blink an eye. I love, love, love it here.

I'm in love

with Berlin.

More later, if I can tear myself away from the city.

From Josh:

'Berlin is addictive and you'll probably not want to leave...It's like the East Village meets Washington DC in an incredibly hip post-apocalyptic landscape dotted with Beirgartens. It's such a human city--scarred and with a tragic past, walled off against itself, yet very quirky and vibrant.'

I agree!

Ich bin ein Berliner

Hallo from Berlin! I took an internet sabbatical last week while I was waiting to get my laptop connected to the museum network. After checking my email on the guesthouse computer and spending 10 minutes typing out a 3-sentence reply, I decided it wasn’t worth it to bother with 1) a German keyboard and 2) a PC whose interface was entirely in German.

I am staying in a sad-looking neighborhood in the ugliest of ugly Soviet-era buildings. My apartment has a very Communist feel to it - meaning that it is entirely functional with no aesthetic appeal - but my bedroom is quite nice and I have a view of the Spree River from my window. Luckily I am not that far from some pretty happening neighborhoods, and I’m just across the river from the beautifully historic Bodemuseum. It’s actually a great location – very central to the main parts of the city- but my block itself looks über-dismal.

The biggest challenge I have faced here, by far, is the language. Somehow I’ve become spoiled with all my traveling because I’ve always managed fine with English. Here? Nien. Not only do most people not speak or understand English (I’m in former East Berlin, and not in a touristy area) but everything is written in German, too. Now, German is not a language that is easily decipherable despite proficiency in both French and English. I sometimes feel like I’m in Ethiopia again, staring at a sea of characters I keep hoping will start to make sense if I look at them long enough. For example, the day I arrived I went to the grocery store to buy some shampoo and conditioner. Shampoo was easy enough (‘shampoo’) but I couldn’t find anything remotely resembling ‘conditioner’. I ended up going with ‘spülung’, which, luckily, turned out to be the right product. That day I also bought some yoghurt that was so rich I swear it must have been made with heavy cream. And trying to pick some tea that didn’t have caffeine in it, that was tricky too.

And, being a vegetarian, language is a real problem is when it comes to food. If I go to a restaurant and recognize the word sandwich or salat, I still can’t read the ingredients listed below the menu item. Or, at the grocery store, I can easily spend 30 minutes in the canned soup aisle looking for something that I hope does not have meat in it. I pass a few Asian restaurants on my walk to the museum and what I’ve seen in passing looks like my worst nightmare – Asian characters with German words underneath.

I have much more to talk about than food and language but will leave it at here for now. Tchus!

Yoga Sutra 1.33

'To preserve openness of heart and calmness of mind, nurture these attitudes:

Kindness to those who are happy
Compassion for those who are less fortunate
Honor for those who embody noble qualities
Equanimity to those whose actions oppose your values.'

(translated by Nischala Joy Devi)

On Joy and Sorrow

'Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.'

from The Prophet (Kahlil Gibran)

On Love

'Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love.
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may would you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.'

from The Prophet (Kahlil Gibran)

On Pain

'And a woman spoke, saying, Tell us of Pain.
And he said:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.'

from The Prophet (Kahlil Gibran)

Letting Go, Again

I used to think that 'letting go' was like ripping off a band-aid: you just did it. Now I'm starting to see that it's more like untying a corset. It happens stitch by stitch, gradually getting looser, until it finally slips off.

I've been so sad the past few days, really feeling the pain of loss. So much makes me think of Mike and I'm sad about not having our relationship anymore, and that we can't even be in contact without getting über-upset. Last night I was flipping through a People magazine and came across a picture of a young Michael Douglas (who doesn't look anything like Mike, but anyway). Something about the bottom half of his face made me think about how Mike has looked at times during the past few months - utterly sad and defeated. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, much less on someone I love and care for so deeply. Meditating on this thought has made it easier to accept that our relationship is over, and that it's for the best. (Why it's so clear to not want anyone else to feel this way, but that I am willing to put up with feeling this way myself - I'm not sure what that means). But last night I had the best sleep that I've had in weeks.

Surprise

Good lord, I wrote this post almost two years ago. Who knew that I have so much wisdom? Now the trick is not to forget it.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Capital-T Truth

As my mentor and teacher Pegasus recently wrote to me,
"The interesting thing for me is to find the balance - or perhaps to see the thin (but infinitely deep) line between not taking it personally and hearing what is said, even when it may not be totally accurate."

When it comes to interpersonal relationships of all kinds - romantic, platonic, family, friends, co-workers - the hardest thing during a disagreement is to see where each person is coming from, and accept that that you may be approaching a common situation from wildly different angles, instead of pointing fingers or assigning blame. When two people care about each other enough to try and resolve a disagreement, it seems inevitable to try and reach a consensus of the "Truth" of what happened in a situation. But is agreeing on the capital-T Truth the goal of resolving these conflicts? What about acknowledging that each person has their own Truth that may not agree with yours? Who is to say which Truth is better or correct or more accurate? Or that the point of resolving a conflict is to agree on the Truth? Maybe resolving a conflict comes down to realizing that the other person has their own Truth, which may or may not coincide with yours, and to use this acceptance and understanding and knowledge to base your actions on and to move forward.

Mixed Up

Today has been hard (god, I feel I start half my posts with those words - but getting out my difficult feelings is why I started re-blogging). Mike and I have had some email exchanges that have shaken me up. Yes, we had problems, but there were a lot of wonderful things about our relationship. And I can't help but think about those daily, while it seems as if he has blocked those out completely. I used to say that he was the pessimist and I was the optimist - and I guess we're each coping that way.

So hard. And so sad. Today I just feel like crying for my loss.

Today's Horoscope*

Learning to Trust
Valid during many months: Under this influence you will become increasingly aware that all the truly important events in your life occur without your conscious intervention. This will help you to act with more calm and composure in those areas where you had difficulties in the past or found it hard to make any headway. You should now find it easier to deal with things in a relaxed manner, not brooding so morosely over your own failings and inadequacies. This will also help you to be more understanding when others make mistakes, making you more forgiving.

Most people's perception contains blind spots which shield them from some of their deeper and more complex emotions which would otherwise reduce their ability to cope with everyday life. Under this influence you could have the opportunity to come to terms with some of the darker and more hidden influences of your nature, without falling into a state of despair and depression. Your increased intuition will help you to receive and interpret the images and dreams rising from your unconscious which would otherwise remain unnoticed. These will help you to become aware of hurt which you have suppressed since your childhood and adolescence, which can initiate the process of healing. And, provided that you can remain trusting and open, you may now receive healing energy from a wide variety of sources.

*www.astro.com

More EPL

'I have a tendency...to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.'

Fail-Proof Broken-Heart Curing Treatment:

"Vitamin E, get much sleep, drink much water, travel to a place far away from the person you loved, meditate and teach your heart that this is destiny."

-from Eat Pray Love (Elizabeth Gilbert)

'And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom'

More Anaïs Nin. I've been familiar with these quotes for a while but they have never spoken to me as powerfully as they do now.

Mike gave me the comfort and trust and stability and unwavering love that I have always craved from a man and wanted for my family life. Love deeper than I knew was possible. To walk away from this was really, really hard. I am proud that I was able to be honest with myself that despite finding what I have always wanted so badly, I need more, and I deserve more, which I am not getting from our relationship.

Mike also has some painful decisions to make regarding growth - and perhaps I am not the person for him to make these changes with. It's scary to walk away from familiarity and comfort and venture into the unknown, having faith that more awaits - and that things will be okay. Staying feels safer, but attaching to this comfort can severely limit your growth. The courage to accept and act on this - moving on and letting go of what is familiar- is what allows you to move toward reaching your true potential.