messy

“all you need to do is quiet your mind long enough to realize that you’re not a mess. you just think you’re a mess”
Darren Main podcast (SF yoga teacher extraordinaire)

I feel messy. I feel crazy. I’m in beautiful France, with my mom to cook and clean and take care of me, so that I can relax and focus and renew and work and do whatever I want. And I’m not doing any of that. Well, that’s not true, there have been moments I’ve been able to exhale completely and feel like I’m getting my om back on but most of the time my head has been spinning. I’ve been sleeping a lot because I don’t want to do anything. I’ve been going for walks and starting to practice yoga again and reading some yogic texts but it’s been hard to latch onto that serenity. Most of the time I just feel like I’m getting swept up in the turbulent waters of life. Maybe it’s the craziness of my family, dealing with each other and the emotions surrounding my cousin’s upcoming wedding and my realization that my life here in France has changed, that my childhood summers with my cousins has passed and that we are all now embarked on our own distinct paths, with our seemingly strongest bond being the common thread from our past holding us together. Maybe it’s dealing with the schizophrenic nature of my life, where I live in a different country with a different home and family and set of friends and experiences and memories and even language that I fall into so easily and is rife with memories and has shaped me but is so different and distant from my life in the US.

Deep breath.