Friday, March 21, 2008

Yoga Sutra 1.33

'To preserve openness of heart and calmness of mind, nurture these attitudes:

Kindness to those who are happy
Compassion for those who are less fortunate
Honor for those who embody noble qualities
Equanimity to those whose actions oppose your values.'

(translated by Nischala Joy Devi)

On Joy and Sorrow

'Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.
And he answered:
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.'

from The Prophet (Kahlil Gibran)

Thursday, March 20, 2008

On Love

'Then said Almitra, Speak to us of Love.
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may would you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.'

from The Prophet (Kahlil Gibran)

On Pain

'And a woman spoke, saying, Tell us of Pain.
And he said:
Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.

Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the Potter has moistened with His own sacred tears.'

from The Prophet (Kahlil Gibran)

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Letting Go, Again

I used to think that 'letting go' was like ripping off a band-aid: you just did it. Now I'm starting to see that it's more like untying a corset. It happens stitch by stitch, gradually getting looser, until it finally slips off.

I've been so sad the past few days, really feeling the pain of loss. So much makes me think of Mike and I'm sad about not having our relationship anymore, and that we can't even be in contact without getting über-upset. Last night I was flipping through a People magazine and came across a picture of a young Michael Douglas (who doesn't look anything like Mike, but anyway). Something about the bottom half of his face made me think about how Mike has looked at times during the past few months - utterly sad and defeated. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, much less on someone I love and care for so deeply. Meditating on this thought has made it easier to accept that our relationship is over, and that it's for the best. (Why it's so clear to not want anyone else to feel this way, but that I am willing to put up with feeling this way myself - I'm not sure what that means). But last night I had the best sleep that I've had in weeks.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Surprise

Good lord, I wrote this post almost two years ago. Who knew that I have so much wisdom? Now the trick is not to forget it.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Capital-T Truth

As my mentor and teacher Pegasus recently wrote to me,
"The interesting thing for me is to find the balance - or perhaps to see the thin (but infinitely deep) line between not taking it personally and hearing what is said, even when it may not be totally accurate."

When it comes to interpersonal relationships of all kinds - romantic, platonic, family, friends, co-workers - the hardest thing during a disagreement is to see where each person is coming from, and accept that that you may be approaching a common situation from wildly different angles, instead of pointing fingers or assigning blame. When two people care about each other enough to try and resolve a disagreement, it seems inevitable to try and reach a consensus of the "Truth" of what happened in a situation. But is agreeing on the capital-T Truth the goal of resolving these conflicts? What about acknowledging that each person has their own Truth that may not agree with yours? Who is to say which Truth is better or correct or more accurate? Or that the point of resolving a conflict is to agree on the Truth? Maybe resolving a conflict comes down to realizing that the other person has their own Truth, which may or may not coincide with yours, and to use this acceptance and understanding and knowledge to base your actions on and to move forward.

Mixed Up

Today has been hard (god, I feel I start half my posts with those words - but getting out my difficult feelings is why I started re-blogging). Mike and I have had some email exchanges that have shaken me up. Yes, we had problems, but there were a lot of wonderful things about our relationship. And I can't help but think about those daily, while it seems as if he has blocked those out completely. I used to say that he was the pessimist and I was the optimist - and I guess we're each coping that way.

So hard. And so sad. Today I just feel like crying for my loss.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Today's Horoscope*

Learning to Trust
Valid during many months: Under this influence you will become increasingly aware that all the truly important events in your life occur without your conscious intervention. This will help you to act with more calm and composure in those areas where you had difficulties in the past or found it hard to make any headway. You should now find it easier to deal with things in a relaxed manner, not brooding so morosely over your own failings and inadequacies. This will also help you to be more understanding when others make mistakes, making you more forgiving.

Most people's perception contains blind spots which shield them from some of their deeper and more complex emotions which would otherwise reduce their ability to cope with everyday life. Under this influence you could have the opportunity to come to terms with some of the darker and more hidden influences of your nature, without falling into a state of despair and depression. Your increased intuition will help you to receive and interpret the images and dreams rising from your unconscious which would otherwise remain unnoticed. These will help you to become aware of hurt which you have suppressed since your childhood and adolescence, which can initiate the process of healing. And, provided that you can remain trusting and open, you may now receive healing energy from a wide variety of sources.

*www.astro.com

Saturday, March 15, 2008

More EPL

'I have a tendency...to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism.'

Fail-Proof Broken-Heart Curing Treatment:

"Vitamin E, get much sleep, drink much water, travel to a place far away from the person you loved, meditate and teach your heart that this is destiny."

-from Eat Pray Love (Elizabeth Gilbert)

Friday, March 14, 2008

'And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom'

More Anaïs Nin. I've been familiar with these quotes for a while but they have never spoken to me as powerfully as they do now.

Mike gave me the comfort and trust and stability and unwavering love that I have always craved from a man and wanted for my family life. Love deeper than I knew was possible. To walk away from this was really, really hard. I am proud that I was able to be honest with myself that despite finding what I have always wanted so badly, I need more, and I deserve more, which I am not getting from our relationship.

Mike also has some painful decisions to make regarding growth - and perhaps I am not the person for him to make these changes with. It's scary to walk away from familiarity and comfort and venture into the unknown, having faith that more awaits - and that things will be okay. Staying feels safer, but attaching to this comfort can severely limit your growth. The courage to accept and act on this - moving on and letting go of what is familiar- is what allows you to move toward reaching your true potential.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Quote of the Day

'Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.'

Anaïs Nin

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Breakthrough

I am feeling a lot better now. I called Mike again last night (yes, the hammer was still in my hand). We were on the phone for a while, I was crying and telling him how much I loved him, nothing new, really. Then I had this really strong feeling of peace and new understanding. I think this was the proverbial moment of 'letting go'.

So, I am happy to say that the hammer is back in the toolbox, tucked away in the closet, where it belongs.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Struggle to understand (Is understanding possible?)

Today has been a struggle. I called Mike this morning (Why? See the quote below about the hammer).

We have a couples therapy appointment on Friday (we just started this a few weeks ago). Neither of us seems to want to call it quits until after we've had the appointment. We had a strange conversation this morning. I feel that, in general, he is acting in a way that pretty clearly shows he does not want to be in a relationship anymore (and sometimes I feel like my job is to just put my glasses on already so that I can see what is in front of me). He said that if I wasn’t leaving for Berlin maybe we could work things out. But since we only have one appointment in the next week, and then I’m leaving, he doesn’t want things to be up in the air while I’m gone so he does not have much hope that things will work out.

BUT: He does not want to see each other now, while I am here, because he says he has lost the feelings of why we love each other, why we want to be together, what is good in our relationship, and it just makes him sad. I need to focus on these things with him and try to recapture them while we work out our problems in therapy, because I feel that losing these feelings are going to suffocate our relationship regardless of our problems. But he does not want to do this because he says he does not feel the good things anymore, and he can’t make himself feel them. So what does me leaving for Berlin have to do with things – is there the possibility that he might change his mind/feelings so much in just one therapy session, and that after Friday he might want to keep trying when right now he says he doesn't?

I don’t understand his line of reasoning, but I do know that me leaving has nothing to do with ending our relationship. Perhaps he is saying this to comfort himself – transfer some of the blame onto me and my actions – especially actions that involve travel, being in another country, a great city that he had once planned to visit me in, for an entire month. I'm getting too caught up in his words because they stir up the hope that is still inside me. What I really should be doing is focusing on his actions. I think we feel that we both owe it to our relationship to hold out until Friday, but after that it will be time to pull the plug.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Clarity

I had lunch with a friend today and told her what was going on. She said I was so grounded, which was funny because I don’t feel that way at all. But she was able to put into words what I feel I need from Mike. And it is quite simple - something important and non-negotiable for me to be happy. I feel such clarity now.*

What is my lesson? This can’t be all about him. To trust myself? To be confident enough to pursue what I want? To be honest with myself and others about what I deserve, and not to settle for less? To believe that I can have everything that I want and that life will rise to meet me?


*Well sort of. Considering what I posted/how I was feeling just a few hours ago, can you see why I still might be a basketcase?

The Boss to the Rescue

I've been spending the morning with about the only man I can stand right now: Bruce Springsteen. The Rising is actually a really good break-up album. Mourning tragic loss and finding a way to rise above it. Yes, I am comparing my break-up to 9/11. Anyway...it's making me smile.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Sunday Night

This evening has been really hard, because Mike and I always spend Sunday night together. And currently he is giving me the silent treatment. The last time we spoke was when he called to ask me if he had eggs in his refrigerator - seriously. I feel so sad and alone and am desperately trying not to think about our happier times together. In the words of Meredith Grey:

Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

Words of Wisdom

"There is really never a good time to breakup." (as told to me by Brent)

"Break-ups are never easy." (from my friend Jenny in DC) (I believe she was consoling me about the first break-up that Mike and I went through last summer)

"It can be tortuous to keep seeing each other." (again, Jenny)

Sigh.

Today's Horoscope*

A noticeable upsurge
Valid during many months: Under this very positive influence you will, at least to a certain extent, be able to change your spots. Any kind of therapy or treatment will now be particularly beneficial. A change of place can have a positive effect as well, and you can be certain that any holiday will now be especially rejuvenating.

This influence is linked to a process of healing or self-healing caused by questioning the meaning of individual and collective suffering. Things which you usually find psychologically or physically embarrassing or painful will now lose some of their gravity. You are now more tolerant of your own sensitivities and more prepared than usual to make compromises. If you somehow feel rather sorry for yourself or are prone to self-pity then you may now be better able to let go of such feelings. You can gain new perspectives on things which you usually tend to see in a negative light.

*www.astro.com

Inverse Correlation



...between happiness (success?) in my personal and academic life.

A few updates:

1) In the words of the Boss: My relationship is going down, down, down. We're going down, down, down. How do two people who love each other so much make each other so miserable? There will be many follow-up posts to this particular topic.

2) I have stopped both eating and exercising, which has translated into a net loss. This has also translated into many people telling me how fabulous I look. I'm torn between being flattered and offended.

3) I did not receive the NSF grant that would have funded all of my dissertation data collection. The grant that I spent months, and months, of work and frustration and meticulousness and pain on. I received an email telling me this about five minutes before my boyfriend (ex-boyfriend?) sent me an email saying that he didn't think he wanted to be in a relationship now, he wasn't saying not *ever*, but just not now. Leading me to the conclusion that things requiring so much tedious work and effort are probably not worth it.

But...

4) I finally bought an airplane ticket to Berlin (for the first part of my data collection).

5) A day later I found out that I received another small grant, and the small grants I have gotten up until now come out to about half of the NSF grant. So I'm getting there, baby step by baby step.

6) My program chair, spurred by the quite positive reviews that my NSF grant received considering that it was turned down, told me the department would fund my entire trip to Berlin.

7) My dissertation is coming along quite nicely. This is, I believe, the first time that I have ever been able to say that.

And, unrelated to any of this, 8) I bought an iPhone! Coolest invention ever. (Thanks Mom!)

So, I'm off to Berlin in exactly two weeks. I'll be gone for a month. Couldn't think of a better time to get away.